Torah Readers Reflections

In this week's parasha of Vayishlach one of the strangest and out of the ordinary encounters takes place. This event is almost random and out of context in the narrative, it is as if the Torah takes a detour to tell us something but never puts the event in context or follows up on the narrative related to this event.

The event is of course the struggle between Jacob and a stranger who is later identified as an angel. According to Jacob he actually struggled with God and for this reason he called the name of the place "Panail" meaning I have seen the face of God and survived. At the end of the struggle, Jacob asks the angel to bless him. The angel reluctantly blesses him and tells him that he will be known as "Israel" - one who struggled with God and prevailed.

What is Jacob's Struggle?

This episode leaves more questions unanswered than actually answered. For instance; who is the stranger? Is it God or an angel? Why did they fight all night? What were they fighting over? Why did he give Jacob the same name that God had already given him? What interests me in this episode is the struggle with the stranger - what were they struggling over?

If we take a look back at Jacob's life we can easily see that he has spent much of that life trying to emulate Esau. From birth, they struggled in the womb, Jacob was born hanging on to Esau's heel, Jacob dressed up as Esau. Jacob tried to find favor with his father as Issac loved Esau more, he wanted Esau's birthright - he obviously looked up to Esau and tried to become him, maybe he saw Esau as an ideal role model. Was Jacob insecure in himself?

How do we find who we are?

The greatest and most important adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are. Yet, so many of us walk around either not really knowing or listening to an awful inner critic that gives us all the wrong ideas about ourselves. Finding yourself may sound like an inherently self-centered goal, but it is actually an unselfish process that is at the root of everything we do in life. In order to be the most valuable person to the world around us, the best partner, parent etc, we have to first know who we are, what we value and, in effect, what we have to offer. 

The following lists 7 concepts that can be found in detail at https://www.psychalive.org/finding-yourself/ can help us come to terms with who we are:

1. Make sense of your past

In order to uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story. Being brave and willing to explore our past is an important stepping stone on the road to understanding ourselves and becoming who we want to be. Research has shown that it isn’t just the things that happened to us that define who we become, but how much we’ve made sense of what’s happened to us. Unresolved traumas from our history inform the ways we act today.

2. Differentiate

Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us. 

3. Seek meaning

Viktor E. Frankl famously said, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” Frankl himself survived the most horrific of circumstances, living in a Nazi concentration camp. In many ways, his very survival depended on maintaining this sense of meaning. In order to find ourselves, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in. 

4. Think about what you want

There’s a tendency in life to focus on the negative. Many of us fall too easily into victimized thoughts and complaints about our circumstances and surroundings rather than orienting ourselves toward positive goals, strategies and solutions. Put simply, we think a lot about what we don’t want instead of concentrating on what we do. Knowing what we want is fundamental to finding ourselves. Recognizing our wants and desires helps us realize who we are and what’s important to us. 

5. Recognize your personal power

When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. No longer are we engaging in a spiral of negative thinking that tells us all the things that are wrong with the world around us or all the reasons we can’t have what we want. Instead, we are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves.

6. Practice Compassion and Generosity

Mahatma Gandhi once said “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” In addition to improving our mental and physical health and lengthening our lifespan, generosity can enhance one’s sense of purpose, giving our lives more value and meaning to us. Studies even show that people get more joy from giving than from getting. 

7. Know the value of friendship

We do not choose the family we are born into, but often, we assume that this family defines who we are. While as children, we have little say in where we spend our time, throughout our lives we can choose who and what we want to emulate. As adults, we can create a family of choice. We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. 

So What is Jacob's Struggle?

Coming back to our parasha, it was obvious that Jacob was struggling with his identity. Isaac had given Jacob the covenantal promise of land and offspring, he had given him a path that walks with God, yet Jacob still spent his life trying to emulate his brother. The struggle with the stranger is in fact the struggle that Jacob has with his identity - he was struggling with all the concepts that we listed above. It is no coincidence that this episode happens when it does. The next day he is meeting with Esau after 22 years apart. Jacob is "afraid and terrified", yet when he meets Esau he is confident in who he is, he is a Jacob who walks the path with God and credits God with all he has. He is a Jacob who has transformed to become Israel.

This episode is none other than one of the most important guides that we have to finding ourselves and living a complete life. As it is written after the episode with the angle, " And Jacob emerged complete".